An Old Dress, A New Body

Beautiful slim girl wearing a gymnastic bodysuit covered with clouds of the flying white powder jumps dancing on a dark. Artistic conceptual and advertising black and white photo. Copy space

The following is a guest posting from an extraordinary young woman in recovery. 

Once upon a time I was a lot less confident. Once upon a time I didn’t trust myself or others. Once upon a time I was so lonely and scared. I wish I could say, “until one day everything changed,” or “then one magical evening”…. but it’s not like that. This isn’t the fairy tale of my dreams. This is real life. It’s fucking hard. It’s scary. It hurts. Things go wrong, plans fail, relationships fall apart, your biggest nightmare turned reality. But that’s the thing. This is reality. It’s real. It’s right in front of us. And we have to deal. So once upon a time…. I wasn’t the same as I am now. I was timid and scare and couldn’t speak the fuck up. In my darkest moments I wanted to die. I wanted to disappear. I wished I had never been born. But haven’t we all. Most of us have been there. Most of us know how hopelessness feels. Damn. What a life. That’s how it used to be. And here I am now. So much more happy. So much stronger. I have more passion and drive than I ever thought possible. I know who I am more than I ever have. That’s not to say I have it all figured out. That’s not to say I know every part of myself. I know I have many more doors to open within my soul that will lead me to many more adventures and realizations. I know there is a long winding path ahead of me. But, God, I’m so excited to walk it. Once upon a time…. this dress wouldn’t stay up, even with tape. It would slip and fall, every few minutes I had to pull it up. I didn’t eat very much then. Just like I didn’t trust people I didn’t trust food. I couldn’t, it just didn’t make sense in my mind that food could actually be a good thing for me. I knew I needed it. Wtf I ran fucking cross country for 5 years I KNEW that I needed to eat. I just…. didn’t trust it. I would eat, trust me I did…. I just, made rules for myself about what was okay and what wasn’t. I had very solid, blunt lines that I could NOT cross. Never. And if I did…. sheesh. Well, in my mind at the time that was just another reason not to trust myself. So this dress… it used to be so big on me. But today it fits perfectly. Today it hugs me and holds me and I feel so content in this body. This body I have built with love.